During my Yoga Teacher Training at Samadhi Yoga Studio in 2018, in one of our first assignments in Philosophy held by Cara Chotiner, we were asked what had brought us to our Yoga practice/journey, and what positive experiences we've had since starting to practice Yoga. It was very interesting to think about this question, to look back and understand what drew me to yoga in the first place.

My story goes back to a much older ex-boyfriend I had in my early twenties. He was a cellist, a great musician and a life artist who seemed to be able to get away from having to work in a 9-5 type of job (unlike me at the time) and could live doing things he liked. I admired him a lot as I percieved him a very wise, educated and creative person. He used to take me to outdoor yoga events, and that was where I first participated in these massive gatherings where people chanted "OM" and other mantras, put their palms together in prayer position, and talked about unfamiliar and strange concepts like "bandhas" during classes. I felt like an outsider as I watched more experienced yogis practice, thinking that they knew and felt something very special, something I could not perceive myself.

While I was intrigued, I was also very skeptical, thinking that these practices were not unlike religious rituals, which I wouldn't want to get myself involved in. I had always been rather averse to religion. I grew up in a Jewish-Catholic but very secular family, but ironically I attended a Jewish school and became part of the local Jewish community. I also had many religious Catholic friends in the village where I lived, and the existence of God was frequently discussed in those circles. In all these conversations, I would always take a very down-to-earth, non-spiritual position, with the kind of view of a person who only believes things visible to the eye. Although I haven't changed much in this respect, today my gut feeling tells me that there may be some sort of energy or guiding hand that is beyond our capacity to grasp in the material world. The path of yoga is a search for the discover of my own spirituality.

Despite this controversial feeling or doubt about yoga and its practices, my curiosity and desire to dwelve in deeper and gain a better understanding led me to take up yoga. I started going to different types of yoga classes in various studios and countries as I moved around. I would often get frustrated in classes for not being able to empty my mind, stay focused on the breath or quieten the loud voices inside my head. I also realized that this was causing me lots of frustration and anxiety in my life on a day-to-day basis. I noticed that I have a tendency to get tangled up in thought-spirals about an issue, for example a conversation I'd had earlier that day. This anxiety would then leave me feeling insecure and upset, and prevent me from being able to focus on a task at hand, which would affect my performance at exams, or at work in meetings etc. This resulted in a lower self-esteem and a lack of self-confidence. People knew me as a very open, social person, and I think many of my friends also considered me a type of person who co-ops well with different situations, who is not afraid of challenges, able to learn foreign languages easily, and is active in general. I think I felt early on that when I practiced yoga I could put these worries at bay for some time and obtain some sort of clarity, even if temporarily.

I enjoyed going to different kinds of yoga classes. It was great to learn from different teachers, as everyone had an interesting take on it and a different angle to show. Even today, I still remember some ideas I was taught. For example, when I did my Translation Internship at the European Parliament in Luxembourg in 2012, there was a great teacher in the European Commission's gym (I think she was from Greece) who reminded us to find comfort in a pose despite the resistance we may feel being in it. She told us to enjoy being in the pose without wanting to move on. She compared this to the tendency to think in terms of phases, where we'd often say of a particular situation that "it's only a phase" and "it will pass". Which in itself may be true, however what is problematic that we often use this as an excuse to not take action or face a certain issue saying that it is only "temporary" and we'll seek to it once its over. But without noticing, years have passed and yet we haven't solved the problem, stopped a bad habit, or learnt a new skill because we kept postponing. If a particular pose feels challenging to the body, our goal is to stay with the sensations, notice the body, and the reaction of the mind to those sensations. If we just want to move on then it was pointless to go into that position in the first place - what have you learnt there? Only by remaining in the pose, facing it, breathing into it, staying present you will understand it better. Once you understand, you will be able to correct and adjust the body, regulate your breathing, and calm your mind.

That's the beauty in yoga. This was the moment where I actually understood what they mean by applying what you learn on your mat off the mat as well. This comparison taught me to appreciate the NOW more than ever. I remind myself of this every time I feel like I want to do something else, or my mind starts to wonder without any sense of direction. It is important to realize that we only have one life, one body, and one mind, and therefore we already have everything in order to enjoy our lives.

In my Hatha Yoga practice this has been the primary objective: to focus on the very moment, to find space in my body, to find comfort, which may be masked by perceived pain, frustration and overwhelming thoughts. As I'm writing this blog post I'm reminding myself to not focus only on the end result, on the fact that I want a finished article for my website, but to touch base with myself about why I'm doing what I'm doing, why I chose this path and what it means to me. Maybe, by sharing these thoughts I will inspire you as well. If you are new to Yoga, this might give you some motivation to join classes, and if you have been practicing for some time, then reading this may make you think more about WHY you are drawn to yoga, and what this journey means to You.

Yoga helped me build my confidence both physically and mentally. I practice yoga simply because it makes my feel good and makes me appreciate my days, the sun and the people who surround me. I'm grateful that I'm able to set aside time, energy and patience for my practice.

Namaste!

Zsófi